It’s not that I think my mom loved my brother more. And it’s not that because he’s gone I see their bond romanticized in some way. It’s not because he needed her a bit more because of his asthma. It’s not because I think he was her favorite. Moms don’t have favorites.
“You’re all my favorite.”
But now that I have three kids, just like my mom had. And now that I have them in a birth order that has a boy as the baby, just like my mom had. I get it.
I totally get it.
This boy, this baby boy of mine, is…something special. To be clear, my big boy is very special. He made me a mother. He challenges me every day to be the best mom I can be ;-) My girl, my princess in the middle, also special beyond her gorgeous face and lovely smile. Smart as a whip and kind as can be. I love them all with a fierceness that sometimes takes my breath away.
Happy 4th Birthday my sweetest baby boy!
There is something about the last one. Your last baby. There will be no more snuggles in bed at 2 am when he stops coming in. There will be no more “mama, I wuv you” in that cute little boy voice when he starts to pronounce the words right. (And don’t we stop correcting the last one. We don’t even care when they mispronounce it. We let them keep doing it because IT”S SO CUTE). When they learn it right, it’s gone forever.
It’s the last of everything with the last one. So we hold them a little tighter. Watch them a little more intensely. Hope they stay little just a leeeeetle bit longer.
So I get it Mom, I know why you loved him a little differently than me and that’s ok. I get it.
Dad’s my favorite parent anyway, so there. I’m kidding, I love you both the same. You’re both my favorite :-)
I try not to give in to the crazy, my crazy, too often. I feel like as an adult I need to temper it, beat it back, quiet it.
I don’t know about you, but sometimes it gets too swirly in there. I have to give in.
Today the crazy started to creep, it actually started last night but I didn’t really take too much notice of it. But I remember it now. When I kissed the littlest good night I paused and thought about the next day. Would he be okay? Push it back. He’ll be fine.
He’s in my room in the middle of the night with a runny nose. I give him an extra squeeze. He’ll be fine.
This morning when I wake him up his nose is super stuffy. I’ll put him in the shower. He’ll be fine.
He tells me he doesn’t want to go to school. That’s all I need really. My crazy hears it and says Ok baby. Stay with mama today. But I quiet it.
Today there is a Thanksgiving Feast at my son’s preschool. My son’s NOT peanut free preschool. Now I’ve already talked with them about the feast. He will have his own new placemat. I will bring his food. I will be there. It will be fine. He’ll be fine.
But then the crazy starts to say otherwise. But what if I’m not watching for a minute? What if the teachers aren’t watching because I’m there? Ok settle down crazy, I think to myself. I am sure they’re not serving peanut butter for Thanksgiving for god’s sake. He’ll be fine.
I can’t shake it. It starts to rise from my belly to my heart. I start to ache a little when I look at him. This is so new for us. He had his first reaction to peanuts just before he turned 2. He’s 3.5 now. The daycare he went to two mornings a week last year was peanut free. His new preschool, one that his big sister and brother went to, is not. I know they are watching him though I know they care about him. I know. He’ll be fine.
But still, it’s moving from my heart to my throat. Is this what it feels like for him when his throat tightens, this panic attack I’m about to have. If Ifail sometimes at keeping him safe how can they? Shake it OFF. He’ll be fine.
It moves from my throat to my brain. I do a crazy check. I call my mother. Am I crazy? Do what you need to do honey. I ask my husband. Do what you need to do honey.
This moment feels like the time I can give in to this crazy. He’s so young. He doesn’t need this lesson right now. He won’t remember it. Next year. When he needs more practice for Kindergarten he can have that lesson. Learn how he needs to move around a whole bunch of food that could hurt him. Today he won’t miss it, he doesn’t need it. He’ll be fine.
The crazy has fully taken over. “Baby do you want to stay home with mama today? He runs to me and gives me a squeezey hug with a big smile. “Can I watch Mickey? He’ll be fine.
The crazy? It could be about anything really. Food allergies. Leaving a kid at a dropoff party in public for the first time. A tween at the mall with her friends for the first time. A teenager driving for the first time alone. College. OMG college. Sometime you let it creep. Sometimes you beat it back.
Me? I’ll work on it. For today I get to snuggle with this guy. And I’m ok with that.