Just Smile

I’m having kind of a bad day.

Started out with a fight with my husband. My work time flew by without me feeling like much was accomplished.

The house is a mess. I’m not just being dramatic – it’s a mess.

Three pick ups in a row.

The big boy is home for the afternoon and is VERY needy.

I have PMS.

My husband has been working A LOT which is good but I’m tired. And so is he, hence the fight.


I was making lunch for three children who all wanted different things and then complained when they received it.

I was pretty done. I lifted up the colander and see this.

Countertop Smile


It’s like a miracle stain :-)

My countertop was trying to tell me something. I kind of wanted to tell it to fuck off. But …it’s a countertop.

So I just listened to it. Maybe I should just smile and see how that makes me feel.

How’s your day?

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Day 4 – WDW (part 1). So many things.

Oh yeah, it’s gonna come to you in parts, Wednesday is. Mmmmm hmmmmm.

Good Morning Wednesday! Our fourth day at Disney and well, you’ve been reading right?

If not, a virus came on our vacation with us. Day 1 was ok. Day 2 not so much. And Day 3, well, it was kind of a bust. Where to start with Day 4? Oh I know…

Nate woke up with a 102.5 fever. Again.


Yes, seriously.


I gave him some meds. I call my mother and say I don’t know what to do anymore.

I feel defeated and sad and overwhelmed. And my baby is sick. Correction, two of my babies are sick. Theo is not coughing anymore, but still a whiny mess. I’m tired. So many things.

I planned for so long, saved for so long. So much expectation. And this day, this morning – I’m feeling it. I’m starting to lose the happy mask I have put on for the past few days. I need to leave the room without anyone. I go outside and call my mom again and tell her to meet me for coffee. I start to cry.

I just wanted this for my kids, for me, for my family. Just some happy freaking family memories. Is that too much to ask?

I’m walking towards reception just gutted and feeling super sorry for myself and my kids.  I’m crying again now.

WHO EFFING CRIES AT DISNEY? It’s the happiest place on earth! OMG. I’m losing it.

Then this:

I thanked the cast members at reception, which I’m sure they thought was bizarro. I hurried off to the bathroom and let my self wallow and cry for two more minutes. Then I pulled up my big girl panties (literally), changed my attitude, and decided.

Nana, Sienna, Theo and I would head out to the Magic Kingdom!
I went back to the room and told the big boy that I wanted to take his sister to the park. I just had to. He knows and says it’s ok. I’m sad for him, but the girl is in a princess dress ready to see Cinderella’s Castle for chrissakes and that’s what we’re going to do. He gets it.

My husband is staying behind to tend to him. He’ll watch him and decide whether he needs more meds, a trip to the ER, a swim, ice cream: whatever he wants. They are together and they’ll be fine.

We’re all gonna be just fine. I guess I just needed a little Disney magic to send me on my way.

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Sick Kids at Disney is a First World Problem

A quick look through the World news anywhere on the internet will tell you that having sick kids at Disney doesn’t really rank up there with the kinds of serious problems facing the world.

As you read my posts over the next week or two realize that I know this. I understand that I am whining and complaing that my otherwise healthy kids got to take a trip to Disney World and didn’t feeeeeeeeel good. I get it. These are first world problems.

I have traveled around the world and have seen first hand the way that some children live, and die. I know that I have a good life and so do my children.

The whining comes from having saved for a couple of years for this, watching my kids not really enjoy it, and wondering if we should have spent the money. However, we can make more money, they did have some fun, and in the end I do think it was a good decision.

The bottom line is the fact that for us, this was probably a once in a childhood trip and I feel sad about that. But not so sad that I don’t see the ridiculousness of it all. I will be telling our story. That’s it. There are lots of stories to tell.

Like this one… or this one…



If the video does not load right away please refresh your browser.

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Light a candle of love

My children are playing together quietly in the other room. I hear them whispering to each other. They are playing nicely.

My children.

They are 6, 4 & 2. This doesn’t happen often. The quiet playing nicely thing. I have a minute so I thought I’d write.

I have gone quiet since last Friday. Since Newtown. Since the shooting. It has weighed so heavily on my heart, there are moments I can’t even bear it. There are many posts in my head that relate to it but I can’t get them out right now. I probably won’t.

There is a post about grief and the holidays. My brother died when I was 23 and the holidays are fraught with mixed emotions.

There is a post about losing a child so quickly. I was living at home when my brother died and, apart from my own grief, watching my parents go through theirs was just about the most awful thing I have ever experienced.

There is a post about guns. I don’t have toy guns in my house. My oldest has asked Santa for a Nerf gun. I told him that Santa knows Mommy doesn’t like toy guns. He’s still hopeful. My friend’s husband is a State Trooper, my BIL is in the army. There are actual guns in their houses. I get it. I bought my nephew a gift card for paint ball for Christmas. Now I can’t give it to him. I can’t.

There is a post about teachers. No there actually is a post about teachers. Please honor your teachers everyday. They deserve it.

There is a post about mortality. When I was a kid I was so afraid that my parents would die and leave me. I felt it so acutely that I remember it to this day. We have a very large family and I had been to a bunch of funerals at a young age. It was terrifying to me.

There is a post about my decision to have children because it was a decision. Watching what my parent’s went through after we lost Dan was something I was positive I didn’t want to go through. The easiest way to ensure that was just to not have them right. Oy.

So there are many and I can’t write any of it. I am too jumbled and now I have the flu. The other night I took something for it that made me stay up instead of fall asleep. I kept thinking about Newtown and those teachers and those 6 year olds.


My baby is six.

If that young man had come into my baby’s classroom he would have been excited to see him. Cool he’s dressed like an army guy! He has a gun! And then…I couldn’t shake that thought and still can’t. My baby wouldn’t have run for cover if he saw him. It a grotesque and awful thought that will not leave my head.

It’s all just too much. There is so much in the news about it. The funerals, gun control, the NRA, mental health, guns for teachers and on and on. I can’t turn it on until late because I still haven’t told my oldest – the six year old, about it. I am praying that he doesn’t hear it over the holiday. I decided that he doesn’t need to know it until he needs to know it. There is so much awful in the world and I need to present it to him in doses. This particular brand of awful can wait a bit.

There is also so much good in the world. SO much.

The support that Newtown has received in the week after is nothing short of incredible. People from all over the country and all over the world are reaching out to them. But also we’re reaching out locally and in our own homes. People are performing 26 random act of kindness (#26RAK) to honor those lost. We need to be supportive in our communities and loving in our homes, always. Not just in moments of madness.

And then there’s that. We have to stop the madness…but that’s another post as well.

They are whispering about Santa now. About what they might get.

My heart is full of love and it aches for those families in Newtown that have one less whisper, one less patter down the stairs, one less shriek of delight at the presents that Santa brought. For those that don’t celebrate it’s just another day without their babies another day that they muster the will to go on for their other children, because they need them. They need each other. For those families that lost grown children, the love of their life, or their mother on that awful day they try to figure out how to move through the world without them.

I will light a candle for your babies and for you and wish you peace, Newtown. We all do.




I would love it if you would light a candle for them too. Give just a moment to think of them and then go on and have a wonderful day with your families. Honor them well by honoring your own. Peace.

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Invasion of the fruit flies

GAH! Fruit flies. God damn mother $#@%&*ing fruit flies.

With the CSA this summer -there were flies. With the aging bananas that are on my counter always – there are flies. But when summer ended and turned to a nice crispy fall air I figured those buggers were gone. Then, all of a sudden, they’re baaaaaack. At one point I was just clapping my hands like a maniac in their vicinity figuring I would get some of them.

Nope. Not one.

Something had to give. Stop dive bombing my wine you tiny useless vermin.

Then I remembered I saw something at my parents house this summer. They grow gorgeous yummy tomatoes. With gorgeous yummy tomatoes you get disgusting annoying fruit flies. I remembered seeing a few little bowls of something on the counter.

So I called him up. He says, “Yo what’s up?” (seriously this is what my Dad says all the time when he answers the phone).

“Help me kill the mother effing fruit flies please.”

“Baby girl? Is that you?”

I’m kidding. This is his fruit fly trap and by default Nana’s fruit fly trap which is how I tie the whole thing in to being about grandmothers. We’ll he is a grandfather, in fact a leeeeeetle bit like an Italian grandmother. Anywhoo…


This concoction is white wine vinegar with a drop of dish soap.

You can use any kind of vinegar you have on hand. Don’t use too much soap. If the layer of soap is too much they can’t get past it to DIE.

Which bring me to this concoction. Vinegar, dish soap, and DEAD FRUIT FLIES!




edited to add (because really? who doesn’t love inbound links? :-) inspired by this post and dedicated to this lady

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A crib induced nervous breakdown

Be careful what you wish for, or ask for, or force small children to do, because, well…

You just might have a nervous breakdown over a crib. Yes, a crib.

I’ll be dismantling the crib today and putting together the big boy bed. I am gutted. But it’s what I wanted, right?

The littlest has been going to sleep in my bed for the past few months. He sleeps just fine in the crib for nap, but when I try to put him in at night he screams his head off. After three kids I know enough to know that I do not handle screaming children at bedtime with any grace. It’s best for everyone if I just give in.

A couple of days ago I put the toddler bed mattress on the floor. He thought it was neat the first night but wouldn’t sleep in it. Yesterday for his nap he slept in it for about 5 minutes then just decided it was awesome he could explore his room. Last night I read him some stories and he fell asleep right there on the floor without much of a fuss.

He slept there all night.

This morning I heard his little voice at the top of the stairs. “Mama, I up.” He’s big enough to open his own door and smart enough to let me know he’s up. It’s time.

baby in a stetson

Thank you for the big boy bed ma’am!

So now I am faced with taking apart the bed that has cradled my three children as well as my niece and nephew and putting it on the curb. If I time it right I might even get to see it crunched up in the garbage truck. Ugh.

Your grandmother is right – they grow up so fast.

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